Study Links Gay Teens’ Parental Rejection to Future Health Risks

A new study summarized in the January issue of Pediatrics reports that LGB teens with parents who reject them are 6 times more likely to experience depression and 8.4 times–let me repeat that:

8.4 times, yes

8.4 times!

more likely TO HAVE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.

For those who are a little slow, let me break that down:

PARENTS–what this means is that, while you cannot shame your child into being straight, you can EASILY shame your child into trying to kill himself or herself.

….and, I don’t know how to make that funny.

The Washington Post reported today on a large federal study which found that abstinence-only (mis)education and  ”virginity pledges” not only did NOT decrease chances of premarital sex, but vastly increased the chances that teens would have unprotected sex.

Premarital Abstinence Pledges Ineffective, Study Finds - washingtonpost.com.

In general, the response from the scientific community has been, “DUH!”  There’s no mystery that Bible thumpers are the ONLY people to think that it’s a bad idea to teach teens about their bodies, sexuality, and how to protect themselves from harm and unwanted pregnancy.  It just happens to be that they’ve been the people with all the money and the loudest traps.

Amazingly, some fartface named Valerie Huber of the National Abstinence Education Association still thinks abstinence-only education is a good idea.

All I have to say, Val, is that I hope your kids have a gay uncle who teaches them how to take care of themselves before they pay the price for your stupidity.

We received this happy ending in the mail the other day. Thank you, Best Friends Animal Society!

Man's best friend

While I was still discontentedly mulling Obama’s bizarre choice of Rick Warren as Grand Homo-hater Pulpit Master of Inauguration, the following thoughtful Op-Ed caught my eye:

You’re Likeable Enough, Gay People
(from Frank Rich, NYTimes, 12/27/2008)

This article could have also included:
- A reminder about some of the widespread Prop 8 myths, including the incorrect notion that black and Latino voters were the driving force behind Prop 8 in CA (they were NOT), explained here: FiveThirtyEight.com.
- How about some sociohistorical context to inform readers about racism in the gay community and homophobia in the black community? If you don’t already know, try Google.

Maybe Obama’s planning a bait and switch and will force Warren to get gay married at the podium that day? But that’s really the only thing that would make me laugh about the choice… right now.

Variety is the spice of life.  Tired of having the same boring conversation about your pussy or mussy?  Try some of these delicious new terms for it:

• Your holiday maker
• Your youth hostel
• Your penis fly trap
• Your muffin tray
• Your gopher hole
• Your hummingbird feeder
• Your P cozy
• Your rent check
• Your game of hide the snake
• Your muffin tray
• Your glove box
• Your sub shop
• Your delivery bay
• Your pipe factory

….to be continued!

(Bonus points to any reader who uses these in a sentence in the comments field!)

Taco Bell, Think Outside the Bun(s)?

Taco Bell, what are you trying to do to us?! So many mixed messages - first you name yourself after the lady lover portal to heaven, then you create an ad like this:

Are you into tacos or burritos, you fast food pervs? Are you straight are you gay are you anti-straight are you anti-gay are you… thinking outside the bun… *gasp* are you against… anal… sex?!

Damaged Fruit presents…… Things That Are Gay

Things That Are Gay will be a regular feature on Damaged Fruit, in which things that are secretly gay will be revealed by our savvy editors to you, the devoted reader. Expect loads of surprises and more than a few ruined marriages. But without further delay, the inaugural….

Things That Are Gay:
ALIENS

….and by aliens, I don’t mean your mail-order Russian cabana boy. No, I’m talking about extraterrestrials. Here is a partial list of convincing reasons:

• Aliens were the original Jet Set, spotted over Fire Island and Ibiza on the same night. These guys really know how to find all the hot spots!
• They have no body fat–which makes them not only gay, but twinks.
• They don’t have body odor.
• They’re sneaky.
• Their space ships are shaped like giant condoms.
• UFOs are decked out with flashing, colorful lights and opalescent tiles–basically like giant disco balls.
• They have dramatic flair–like when UFOs appear in coordinated lines like the Rockettes.
• Their heads are shaped like big penises.
• They’re in the closet about whether they even exist. Talk about the DL!
• They wear flight suits made from super-strong silver lamé.
• They are on a “star search.” Get it? Get it?

Butt the most damning evidence of all:

• Aliens cannot get enough of our anuses. They fly halfway across the universe to get their hands on some human rosebud!

That’s right–you heard it here first:

ALIENS ARE GAY!!!!!!

It’s that time of year, fat ass.  And believe me, you’re not just imagining it. Your body is getting funkeh from all of the holiday piggery. You’re not just feeling the fat in your thighs and stomach… you’re also feeling your organs turn to stank, bile-filled mush. You are deep fried, buttery, greasy, crunchy, heavily salted, and one step away from becoming a walking, shameful Yule log. BUCHE de Noel!

So often we make New Year’s resolutions to get fit, to slim down, to prepare to stuff our asses and our lard-swollen beavers into skimpy bikinis come the sun and the heat. We commit to a strict workout regime and travel to the gym, sniffing chlorine and sweat, covering our soft lady skin with bizarre synthetic “wicking” workout wear, avoiding the stares of the woman with floppy breasts and an unruly bush changing next to us, and willing the exercise equipment to work magic, making its little digital calorie counter numbers grow and grow as the fat cells shrink and shrink. We do this for a week or two and then realize that it’s boring and not nearly as arousing as, say, a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough.  
 
This year, Damaged Fruit would like to help you stick with your New Year’s resolution to exercise. So you can count on DJ Flaming Labia to offer playlist suggestions for the spiciest workouts your easy bake oven has ever dreamed of. You won’t regret your healthy flushed cheeks or the extra air in your lungs for… a variety of different activities. If you’re anything like me, you’ll love knowing that while everyone else hits the gym with a US Weekly or People Magazine (yawn yawn they make mah cooch sleepayhrrrrr!), you are busy lipping songs about vajayjays. So git up offa that thing. Do it for your pussy!
 
Here’s a suggested playlist for approximately 60 minutes of music that’ll make your pussy sing. As it turns out, homebase has rightfully served as muse to some of our time’s greatest artists. Celebrate the fluttering love wallet during your next cardio workout. Every calorie burned is like a gift to your boogina.  
 
If you don’t like it, you can suck my clit.  
 
Pussy pride!!

1. Khia has got your pussies covered with a number of songs that would have fit this list. For your warm-up, try “Fucking Me Tonight.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgM7laEJBN4
2. Edward Cullen is not the only superhero who makes these labia swell. Check out “Kryptonite Pussy” by Yo! Majesty.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsFvDUk_BuI
3. Required viewing for all pussy lovers. God-Des and She can help you learn to “Lick It.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoAjz0r4ZFY
4. Love your pussy, love it cuz it’s a superstah! Amanda Lepore’s “My Pussy.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHui5WN-uaY
5. The Eleventh Commandment: Every girl must have a toy! Missy Elliott’s “Toyz.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMqNctZDex4
6. Mmmm, she’s so sweet. Jacki-O’s “Pussy.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3usXbTe_QY
7. Pussy oh-so-hot, vous vous lay my twat, s’il vous plait?! “French Bitch” from Pussy Tourette.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KCddv6kF-4
8. For the mid-workout trippy pussy. “You Wanna Suck My Pussy” by Lords of Acid.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFgHLEi6mME
9. A treatise on three basic human needs: “Pussy Money Weed” by Lil Wayne.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPKjD_9Osgo
10. Hey, he supports Obama, too! Ludacris’ “Pussy Poppin.”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M6xjTX0hNs
11. Lil Kim knows what’s up - “Gimme That.”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSGUQEMJVHI
12. You’re not tired! “Pump That Pussy” from DJ Funk.
    http://www.imeem.com/people/GzCz94/music/pknLgMr3/dj_funk_pump_that_pussy/
13. Oh, silly silly. “Pussy” by Brazilian Girls.
    http://www.imeem.com/electronicvideos/video/OPszYgjv/brazilian_girls_pussy_dance_video/
14. You smell that? G-Unit does… “I Smell Pussy.”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx3M2u02o4E
15. Finish your cool down with some hotness. “Moist Vagina” by Nirvana.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Pn4TQ2YIQg

Work it, lovers!
DJ Flaming Labia

Dear California,

You hurt my feelings. After this Proposition Hate business, I don’t think things can ever go back to the way they were between us. I know you’re trying to say that it’s not about us, it’s really just about trying to preserve some traditional values in these crazy times. But it seems to me that the right to get divorced is very traditional–in fact, de rigeur–and we can’t get divorced unless we get married. So you’re really just holding us back.

Anyway, if you didn’t want to get married, you could have just said so. Like, an email or a phone call would have sufficed. It is so embarrassing to go around canceling our registries in response to a constitutional amendment. Everyone knows….

But in an effort to understand what happened, I have been engaging in extensive ethnographic research about your culture. By this, I mean that I have watched a marathon of Million Dollar Listing, during which I also saw enough promo spots for the new season of Real Housewives of Orange County to figure I got the drift. What I have garnered from R.H.o.O.C. is something like this: Women in your country are very catty, so they probably need strong men to control them. Lesbianism would clearly lead to endless hair pulling and face scratching. Additionally, it seems that your sons are very prone to disappoint their mothers. Again, the need for strong male figures (but not in that Greek nasty-nasty way).

My ethnographic work with Million Dollar Listing has been more extensive. My research focused on three informants, whose names I have changed to protect their anonymity. I will refer to them here as the Ferret, the Monkey, and Wheaties.

The Ferret is approximately 12 years old and has an eccentric bowl-cut circa 60s Beetles which he is obsessed with having be “perfect.” In fact, he is generally obsessed with things being perfect, supposedly because image is important in real estate, but more likely because of his disapproving father (a classic Freudian set-up). His girlfriend, whom I will call the Chippy, could be replaced by a blow-up sex doll (model: female, blond) to no ill or even noticeable effect. His teeth are luminously, even psychedelically, white. Strong attachment to mother.

The Monkey, recently arrested for high-end art theft, refers to himself as a “dream weaver” and was likely raised by tranny hookers. He is prone to making statements like, “I bought these jeans on sale–for $600!” Spends a lot of time with overweight homosexuals and his Holocaust-survivor grandmother. In one notable interaction, his grandmother, whom I will refer to as Grandmother, insists that she is not leaving him a dime when she dies. The conversation might be paraphrased as follows:

Grandmother (strong non-distinct European accent): I am not leaving you anything. I’m giving it all to charity.
Monkey: It’s because of the war, isn’t it? The war is over, Grandma!

It is likely that the Monkey is being routinely raped by his dentist, Dr. Sam, whose contrived faux-British accent is clearly some kind of hypno-ray with which he stuns the Monkey into performing lurid sex acts. The Monkey and the Ferret have some sort of rivalry which erupts into embarrassing girl fights whenever they run into each other. I am guessing that they had a “just the tip” encounter which went badly.

Wheaties is by far the most wholesome of the bunch, although he admits to liking both men and women–which we all know is the second of three conversations you have with your friend before he finally admits to being full-blown gay. Wheaties has the body of a Greek god, and apparently enjoys being filmed while showering. He frequently refers to his “friends,” but when he is seen interacting with them, never seems particularly friendly. Following a blind date with a cute brown-haired gay boy, he completely harshed on him.

Cute Brown-haired Gay Boy: So, will I see you again?
Wheaties: Did you feel the connection?
CBGB: ….um, well, yeah. Didn’t you?
Wheaties: No.
(pause)
CBGB: The truth hurts…..

Then, they did the A-frame hug, which is never a good sign. As you know, California, when gay boys like each other, they hug peepee-to-peepee. Direct genital contact initiates the mating ritual, which is:

1. Coffee
2. The hottest sex you will ever have with the person
3. Awkward phone calls
4. Dinner
5. Sex in the bathroom between main course and dessert, only slightly less hot than the first time
6. Dessert
7. Normal sex, in a bed, after which you talk about how you’re not really looking for a relationship
8. Awkward phone calls
9. STD test
10. Adopt a pomeranian

So, California, this is what I have learned: All of your men are ambiguously gay, except the few who are decidedly straight, and they are all douche bags. In other words, your society is in imminent danger of utter collapse. I get it, you are panicking. You are worried that if you allow gay marriage, all of your men who are basically gay already will run out, get gay married, and subsequently drive away the few remaining eligible Persians. All I can say to this is:

You’re probably right. But I’m guessing the earthquakes will get you first.

Kisses!
S.P.