I have been crushing on Kate Winslet since… oh, forever. She chooses such delicious roles, she acts them so incredibly well, and AI AI AI!, her gorgeous eyes, her silky smooth skin, her curves, her curves, her CURVES!

I wasn’t at all surprised when I saw the following interview with Lady O: [insert overdone Oprah and Gayle lesbian joke here. For the record, Oprah, I adore you. You just go ahead and be your bad self!]

Once again, Oprah, you know all of my favorite things!

OHHH to be Leonardo DiCaprio and interact with those beautiful, REAL breasts on the most romantic sinking ship EVER! To caress them and cherish them in all their magnificence in boring, mindless suburbia… what a fool I would be not to run away with them to Paris! Sweet dreams, tell me what would it feel like? What would it SOUND like?

And then my answer came:

YES YES YES! Oh, glorious sound! I’m King of the WORLD!

Talk about timing!  This week, at long last, Noah and Luke–everyone’s favorite daytime gays from As The World Turns–finally, after almost two years of “waiting for the right time,” finally got their shit together and bumped uglies.

Or, I mean, I guess they did….

As I concluded in my previous post on As The Anus Turns, mainstream America insists that all gay love take place off-screen.  So what we actually see is some kissing, removing of shirts, and then…. cut to commercial!  The next thing we know, the boys are emerging, post coitus, from the bathroom.

To be honest, after waiting this long, I’m not even entirely convinced that Noah and Luke KNOW what to do.  The show basically portrays them as Ken dolls–handsome, impeccably coifed, plasticine, full of romantic feelings, but functionally castrated.

On the one hand, I give As The Anus Turns credit for portraying young gay male characters in a way which does not pathologize their emotional lives.  Nonetheless, I think that Noah and Luke are in many ways disturbingly Victorian:  The extent to which they are full of “fine sentiments” serves to sanitize and disguise the fact that gay sexuality is a sexuality.  By making gay sex something from which the viewer’s gaze must be averted, it implies that this perfectly healthy (and, in Noah’s and Luke’s case, loving) act is shameful.

So call me medieval, but until I see the bloodied sheet, I will not be convinced that they didn’t just play with each other’s hair.

Oh, and speaking of hair, the post-coital scene highlights two gay superpowers: Namely, the ability to shower while wearing pants; and second, the ability to emerge from a shower fully blow-dried.

Observe:

Many conflicting emotions surround the announcement that openly-fabulous Gene Robinson has been invited by the Inaugural Powers-That-Be to give the invocation at the first inaugural activity. He is the only openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, wowzas! Read about his invite here: Bishop Gene Robinson gets inaugural role

We heard Gene Robinson speak one time (he was awesome) and hung around awkwardly after his talk to shake his hand and say hi (he was nice) and enjoyed a brief chat and joke with him (he was funny and total cuteness!). Sigh.

The openly-female Reverend Sharon Watkins will also participate in the presidential revelry, giving the sermon at the National Prayer Service the day after the inauguration. That should give her plenty of time to do her hair and pick out an outfit haaa haaa haaaaa. She is the first woman to serve as general minister and president of the 770,000-member denomination of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), amazing!

What does all this mean? Should we be mad at inauguration should we be happy should we be…? Our homo heads are in a tizzy! Lord, what a fucking shit show.

While having dessert in an undisclosed location called Pizzeria Uno, we spotted these absurdly phallic wall-mounted lamps.  Heh heh.  I just said wall-mounted….

Wait, where was I?  Oh yes….

My, what a firm grip you have there!  But we all know that sometimes, you need both hands….

Ooooh, baby, I love it when you grab the base while tickling the tip.  Sky rockets in flight!

….and, we have liftoff.

Science, babies! Check it out: Smarter Men Have More Sperm

From the article:
“The researchers… speculate that intelligence might be passed down as part of a larger package of good attributes. One gene can influence multiple traits, so the genes involved in smarts may somehow improve sperm quality - and perhaps other characteristics as well.” Like a big penis?! A “package of good attributes!” Ahhahahahahaha!

“What a waste!!”~straight women everywhere

Hold up, hold up. Everyone knows that gay men are smarter than straight men. It’s like known scientific fact.

Those straight women have a point. They need those spermies to prevent the spawning of more and more stupid babies! The fate of humanity lies in the hands… no, in the testicles of gay men.

Do you hear that America? We need more gaybees, STAT.

“We shall rejoice!”~eugenicists everywhere

Just in case the point wasn’t clear enough, evangelical bear cub Mary Driscoll should be aware than it isn’t just straight people who can have 2 become 1.  Gays are perfectly capable of having 2 become 1, or 3 become 1, or 4 become one, or…. well, you get the idea.  In case you have a limited imagination, here are just a few of the most basic “merging” techniques, charmingly illustrated by dirty mannequins!

After seeing Labia’s post, I couldn’t help but respond with this.  Evangelical bear cub Mary Driscoll’s biblical theology is so incredibly shady, and I can post about that on another occasion is anyone is interested.  But in the meantime, it occurred to me that, oh, ’round about 1996, when Mary was still just evangelical otter Driscoll, it seems this song must have somehow gotten scrambled up with his Bible passages.  Must have been all the E and rough living….

So, there are two possibilities:  Either it turns out that the Spice Girls were secretly brilliant theologians; OR–you just ain’t as deep as you think you is, baby.  If your theology of marriage and sexuality can be summed up by a mid-nineties Spice Girls song, there’s a problem, m’kay?

Should the hip, jeans- and hoodie-wearin’, Facebook-in’, and iTunesin’ evangelical pastor Mark Driscoll fill in for Rick “I keep extra love for the baby Jesus in my extra chins!” Warren at Obama’s inauguration? Mark Driscoll’s video sermons are too dirty for GodTube — that’s hot as hell. This could really work! Driscoll is just like us: he swears a lot, he likes sex (he used to be a fornicator!), and he is “on the cutting edge of American pop culture.”

There’s juuuuuuust one problem. He doesn’t like girl sex or boy sex, just boring old married man-woman missionary position genital contact:

Damn you, Mark Driscoll! You’re from SEATTLE! Love for the gays is like an additive in your water. For Christ’s sake, if you keep spewing filth and blabbering on like you do in this video I’ll lock up your labia and throw away the fucking key.

Spongebob is such a homo!

Awwwwwwwzhyeah.

Oh my God!  So I was just watching Underworld on TNT (don’t hate!), and I saw this commercial by the National Ad Council promoting the website fatherhood.gov.  It shows an obviously gay African American father helping his young daughter to practice her cheerleading moves.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop–but then the end card flashed and I realized that the commercial was actually offering this as a positive portrayal of fatherhood.

How the times do change.  I think we should all write to the Ad Council thanking them for such a cool commercial.  Anyway, check it out!