Gay Marriage = The End of Queer Life, from SheWired.com

Marriage is an institution of religious origin: as we know it today, it has its roots in the Late Middle Ages and was reserved for the wealthy, as a form of political and economical alliance (mostly for men to gain legal rights over the inheritance of their wives and a legally recognized heir), sanctioned by the Church in an effort to gain terrestrial power on holy grounds. It has become an integral part of modern Law and modern institutions (not without significant reforms, like the introduction of divorce granted by a non-religious court, the right of women to keep their own inheritances, and the introduction of alimony and paternal responsibilities). Furthermore, it is now a widespread practice sanctioned by all, liberal and conservative alike, as the centerpiece of our society, and a signal of social maturity (and thus it comes with especial, legal rights that include tax, insurance, and inheritance benefits)… Let’s face it, most people, regardless of their political, religious, and social allegiances, see a married couple as a couple that has made a “commitment” superior in quality (and quantity, form a “life-spam” point of view) than the one made by a non-married couple. This usually brings on a series of assumptions on the nature of both married and unmarried couples that usually effect, in a negative way, unmarried couples more often than married ones.  Nevertheless, the centuries-old institution of marriage has been in crisis almost since the day it came alive: let’s not forget that Henry the VIII already used divorce as a reason (among many others) to separate the English Church from the Roman one–and that goes only for Kings and Queens… let’s not forget the luck that most married couples have had to endure: domestic violence (penalized or not), sexual abuse (penalized or not), child abuse (penalized or not), abandonment, and, last but not least, unhappiness, to mention just some. Still, we tend to forget all this and rejoice in an institution that truly seems to be in need of serious reform or to be simply discarded… women still describe their wedding day as “the happiest of their lives” (really?!), men still believe it is a sign of their ability to contribute to society as “real men”, and nowadays the LGTB community seems to have forgotten its old position as a center of social critique and proponent of social change and has embraced marriage as the most important objective… That is not to say that LGTB people should not have a right to marry, but to question the importance and accuracy of marriage as a portrait of true commitment and love… And yet, any serious discussion of marriage centrality still provokes the ire of everybody, and it gets discarded as a possible venue of exploration: “Kay Hymowitz castigating marriage opponents and claiming only low income people and African Americans are rejecting-or failing at-marriage.” Really?

Graduate students are horrendously flakey about everything. Planning skills, NOT SO MUCH! I have taken a number of real responses and e-mails from graduate students and edited them slightly, to show how their flakiness really just means that they are never EVER fucking. No wonder they are so unhappy and confused!!

You: Want to have sex with me tomorrow night at 9pm at my place?

Them: I maybe probably definitely sort of will be joining you for sex, but I can’t say for sure.
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E-mail You: Let’s get together for sex. When works for you?

E-mail Them: Very exciting to think of having sex with you! I’m not in town. Not sure when I’ll be back. Maybe not for a month… (I’m such a procrastinator…) Though there is a chance that I’ll be around for a couple days later this week. Keep me posted on plans. Looking forward to having sex with you!!
—————

E-mail You: I would love to plan a time for us to have a double date and then have bi-curious group sex. How is next Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

E-mail Them: OMG thanks for your invitation! I feel terrible (and embarrassed) that I’ve fallen so out of touch. Right after we last e-mailed, I jerked off for an hour, and then I fell asleep for an unknown amount of time. When I woke up I was hungry (and horny again!). I’ve also been going a little crazy trying to write my 10 page paper which was due 4 months ago. Let me check with my partner about the next few weeks — we’re actually going on vacation, then going on another vacation, then jerking each other off for a while — things really have been insane this last few weeks! - but hopefully we can figure something out soon and have great bi-curious group sex.
—————

You: [insert witty and adorable comment that effectively serves as a home run come-on because you are so precious]

Them: I loooooooooooove talking to you. I feel like we have such a connection! Let’s totally get together for some pussy bonking!!!

You: Awesome, how about next week for lunch?

Them: Next week for lunch would be [falls into a giant wormhole]
—————

Them: Please leave a message after the tone. BEEEP!

You: Hey fuckbuddy! We’ve been fuckbuddies for a long time now and have really been there for each other. I would like to offer you unlimited fellatio, free of charge for the next week, because I know that you really need it. What can I say, I’m feeling generous. Call me!

Them: [silence]
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A hearty thank you to Barney Frank for breaking up the asininity of the past couple of weeks — the health care town halls with the crazy lunatic question-askers and the bizarrely permissive congressfolk, listening to all sorts of ignorant hate speech and barely responding to it…

Well, then Barney Frank came along:

AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! In all his usual rhetorical glory, Barney stopped up that spout of senseless drivel. Barney, I LOVE YOU!!!

Not to be outdone, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert added their own voices to this dining room table conversation:

For further reason to adore Frank, check out this profile in The New Yorker. Barney’s Great Adventure

Or read Frank Talk: The Wit and Wisdom of Barney Frank by Peter Bollen.

You make us proud to be Massholes, Barney!

Keith R. Griffin was charged (on April 7, 2009) with ten counts of possession of child pornography. The 48 year old Florida resident claimed that his cat downloaded the more than one thousand pornographic images detectives found on his computer. Apparently, his cat would jump on the keyboard while he was out of the room and he would return to find “strange things” on his computer.

Mr. Griffin is a daring, creative man. Only baby Jesus knows the synapses that had to fire to concoct that brilliant and eminently believable story, and the courage it took to hand the true culprit over to the police. Who knows why his cat first got up there (perhaps it was in hot pursuit of his mouse) but everyone know that if there are two things cats simply cannot resist, they are pursuing computer mice and downloading pictures of naked human children.

This is not the first time a man has blamed all his troubles on a pussy, and it will not be the last.

“Some women can’t say the word lesbian… even when their mouth is full of one.”
~Kate Clinton

Fact: In 1929, Superior Nut Company was started in Ball Square.

According to its website, the company’s mission is “to produce the finest nut products in the world.” It “is currently producing a broad range of nut products in many different packaging sizes.”

Superior Nut Company: Snack Specialties

Umm, wtf?! This is such bullshit.

Caster Semenya, an 18-year-old runner from South Africa, is really fucking fast. She beats all the other bleeders regularly, including her most recent win at the world championships — a gold medal in the women’s 800m. However, rather than simply applaud her talent and determination, the intolerant jerks that are involved in the sport have ordered a humiliating inquiry into whether or not she is truly a woman (on suspicion of “gender issues” due to her strong athletic performance). See here for more: “Gold Awarded Amid Dispute Over Runner’s Sex,” NYTimes.

(Oh, and yes, you read right: “The Bantu, a group of indigenous South African people, may be more predisposed to being hermaphrodites but they do not always have obvious male genitalia, said Dr. Maria New, an endocrinologist at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. They are genetically female yet have both testes and ovaries.”
The author quotes the doctor and what we are left with is basically the suggestion that the Bantu are a hermaphroditic indigenous group. I had to rub my eyes and take a swig of something strong to make sure I was getting the implication right. At least the moronic writing makes the gendered and racialized nature of this issue plain.)

So what does such an inquiry on “gender issues” entail? From the article: “The testing done on Semenya, at the behest of the International Association of Athletics Federations, track and field’s world governing body, takes weeks to complete. It requires a physical medical evaluation, and includes reports from a gynecologist, an endocrinologist, a psychologist, an internal medicine specialist and an expert on gender. The effort, coordinated by Dr. Harold Adams, a South African on the I.A.A.F. medical panel, is being conducted at hospitals in Berlin and South Africa…. It is unclear what the exact threshold is, in the eyes of the I.A.A.F., for a female athlete being ineligible to compete as a woman.”

This whole mess leaves me dizzy and disoriented. Maybe they could throw a few more tests and doctors visits in different countries into the mix just to make it a bit more time-consuming and stressful. Maybe they could call on a few more scholarly professionals to offer their expert opinions on the matter just to define Semenya’s life for her a bit more. Maybe they should think a little bit more about whether genetic conditions (none of which has Semenya been diagnosed with yet…) can offer athletes “unfair” advantages in athletic competition. What the hell does that even mean?! Do I have an “unfair” advantage in looking hot while I dance because I am genetically predisposed to have an amazing derriere? Maybe they could just label it a “tranny witch hunt” and chase down any woman with wide shoulders and a chiseled jaw line. (Bet she could fucking run faster than their fat idiot asses!)

Or maybe it’s fucking time that we start reevaluating the gendered categories that we have established for ourselves and why we so mindlessly continue to adhere to them. Penis vagina penis vagina penis vagina eggies spermies eggies spermies!! We are gonad-obsessed drones.

Just as the kiddies were reporting their findings about homos on TV (see “Study Rates Inclusion of Gay TV Characters”, NYTimes, the kiddies were getting equally panty-jumbly about the premiere of this season’s Mad Men.

Then look what happened!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Hahahahahahahaha that scene is so freaking hilarious. The heavy breathing, the Neanderthal eyebrows, the high-waisted bellhop pants, the awkward peen grab… So hot that they set off the fire alarm and outed themselves, DAMN.

Ohhhhhh my, our two favorite things — queers and ice cream — all in one place! This story wrote itself. Check out the article and accompanying audio for somethin’ tasty:
NPR’s “New Yorkers Get Taste of Big Gay Ice Cream Truck”.