Many conflicting emotions surround the announcement that openly-fabulous Gene Robinson has been invited by the Inaugural Powers-That-Be to give the invocation at the first inaugural activity. He is the only openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, wowzas! Read about his invite here: Bishop Gene Robinson gets inaugural role

We heard Gene Robinson speak one time (he was awesome) and hung around awkwardly after his talk to shake his hand and say hi (he was nice) and enjoyed a brief chat and joke with him (he was funny and total cuteness!). Sigh.

The openly-female Reverend Sharon Watkins will also participate in the presidential revelry, giving the sermon at the National Prayer Service the day after the inauguration. That should give her plenty of time to do her hair and pick out an outfit haaa haaa haaaaa. She is the first woman to serve as general minister and president of the 770,000-member denomination of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), amazing!

What does all this mean? Should we be mad at inauguration should we be happy should we be…? Our homo heads are in a tizzy! Lord, what a fucking shit show.

Science, babies! Check it out: Smarter Men Have More Sperm

From the article:
“The researchers… speculate that intelligence might be passed down as part of a larger package of good attributes. One gene can influence multiple traits, so the genes involved in smarts may somehow improve sperm quality - and perhaps other characteristics as well.” Like a big penis?! A “package of good attributes!” Ahhahahahahaha!

“What a waste!!”~straight women everywhere

Hold up, hold up. Everyone knows that gay men are smarter than straight men. It’s like known scientific fact.

Those straight women have a point. They need those spermies to prevent the spawning of more and more stupid babies! The fate of humanity lies in the hands… no, in the testicles of gay men.

Do you hear that America? We need more gaybees, STAT.

“We shall rejoice!”~eugenicists everywhere

Should the hip, jeans- and hoodie-wearin’, Facebook-in’, and iTunesin’ evangelical pastor Mark Driscoll fill in for Rick “I keep extra love for the baby Jesus in my extra chins!” Warren at Obama’s inauguration? Mark Driscoll’s video sermons are too dirty for GodTube — that’s hot as hell. This could really work! Driscoll is just like us: he swears a lot, he likes sex (he used to be a fornicator!), and he is “on the cutting edge of American pop culture.”

There’s juuuuuuust one problem. He doesn’t like girl sex or boy sex, just boring old married man-woman missionary position genital contact:

Damn you, Mark Driscoll! You’re from SEATTLE! Love for the gays is like an additive in your water. For Christ’s sake, if you keep spewing filth and blabbering on like you do in this video I’ll lock up your labia and throw away the fucking key.

Spongebob is such a homo!

Awwwwwwwzhyeah.

The recent arrest and conviction of 9 men in Senegal for “unnatural acts” (read: gayness) is devastating to all those in support of equal rights. Prop 8 energy, are you listening? An NYTimes article summarizing the situation is here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/09/world/africa/09senegal.html?ref=world

Many of them activists and educators working with HIV/AIDS populations in the country, these men have been sentenced to spend 8 years in jail for their “crimes.” You can read about the reactions to the Senegalese case in a BBC article here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7817100.stm

As someone who once lived in and now regularly travels to West Africa, I must first point out that the region is not just some wild quagmire of homophobic maniacs run rampant. We should all be angry and moved to action by the abuse of human rights that the Senegalese case highlights, but we should also attempt to understand the problem in its social context. West Africa (Senegal especially), according to our Western mores, can be called crazy liberal-tolerant and developed in a lot of ways, so let’s skip the overdone “uggh savages, we just can’t understand them” bullshit and move on to an actual conversation. We are talking an entire continent here, with nearly one billion people, 2,000 languages, probably the most diversity on the planet… OK preacher, point made.

Some of my best nights of dancing EVER were spent at parties in West Africa where a number of the guests were openly gay… at the party/club at least. When I spoke with these folks, it was clear that they kept things on the relative DL in everyday life. My extended West African family is worldly and loving and open. One time while we gossiped over tea and cake about a much-adored young neighborhood man with effeminate tendencies, my sweet host-grandmother said, with a hint of confusion in her voice, “Homosexuality is a DISEASE, no?” Her middle-class, high school-educated teenage granddaughter explained with conviction “No, Grandma, homosexuals are just like us. Maybe it is biology. Maybe God makes them that way. It is not a sickness; they are just born gay and want the right to live their lives without trouble as we do.” Grandma nodded and said “Then they should be left to do as they please. The baker I knew as a girl was said to be a homosexual. And he was a lovely man. And this boy is a very good boy. I do not want anyone to bother him.”

This type of discussion and expression of tolerance is not surprising at all, given that many parts of Africa have understood and accepted homosexuality historically and make a point of educating students about it in the present-day. Research on “traditional” African beliefs on homosexuality is unfortunately underdeveloped, but time spent perusing the Interwebs can somewhat enlighten the persistent. And South Africa presents a fine example of a country that is taking steps toward modern equal LGBT rights.

That said, homophobia is obviously still a dangerous problem in many parts of Africa. The Associated Press has reported that 38 countries in Africa criminalize homosexual acts. Some of the total nutjob African dictators have said insane, violent things about gays and lesbians (for example, Gambia’s president threatened to behead homosexuals in his country). Homophobia and sexual conservatism is certainly a contributing factor to an HIV/AIDS epidemic of terrifying proportions in many countries. But closer inspection reveals that much of this homophobia arises from religious extremism, authoritarian rule, and/or total lack of any discussion in African countries, rather than from some deep-seated historical hatred. Wouldja look at that, attitudes toward sexuality in Africa are characterized by the coexistence of contradictory or incompatible elements. Sounds a lot like US, doesn’t it?

We don’t even know how to fix it here and we want to fix it everywhere. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

At least someone’s trying. Check out the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission here: http://www.iglhrc.org/site/iglhrc/

My Blackberry is such a fucking vulva. Observe:

How lez is this?! (image by funnybone)

Just when I thought I couldn’t love this little vibrating machine of infinite information anymore, I started rubbing its light-up clit… and… ohmygod… brb…

Fuck you, Burger King. You have now reduced the beauty and hotness of man-man love to the most basic of cliches: man meat.

Burger King has created a fragrance called Flame. Not a relatively harmless J. Lo, Sean John, or Britney kind of fragrance. You know, the ones with the self-important, tormented pseudo-fantasy plot line commercials with the “artist” breathily whispering the silly fragrance name to the thud of a distant heartbeat. They make all your magazines sneeze-worthy. No, this is a fragrance that is billed as: “a new men’s body spray: the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

What would have possessed you and your advertising whores to do this, BK? Who the hell did you think would buy this shit? I would have loved to peeping Tom on that focus group…

Burger King has, one must assume, turned a profit on Flame, which cost $3.99 a spray bottle before it sold out in stores. According to the interwebs, it is now only available on Ebay, where it can be found for upwards of 30 bedonkadollahs! And, as Rachel Herz, a Brown University psychology professor and author of The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell puts it, there is a market for this type of scent, though perhaps not the one Burger King might have expected (or maybe it was expected?). A Los Angeles Times columnist explains: “Herz points out, men who wear Flame are theoretically likely to be successful in attracting people to them — as long as those people are other men. ‘Meat is at the top of the list in terms of male-rated smell,’ she says. ‘Men rate the smell of meat the way women rate chocolate.’”

OMFG, a disgusting gay fragrance! With all the seductive power of meat-stinking perfume, why not skip the Barry White for a simple soundtrack of burps and farts? Instead of foreplay and soulful discussions, you can pound your chests and scratch your balls. You can make fast, humpy, meaty whoopie on a pile of dirty socks and skid-marked underwears then play boring and violent video games from the toilet seat all night long. Wait, my labia be still, do gay guys do that now?!

Be careful, boys. As the saying goes: one man’s meat is another man’s poison. One can’t be sure that wearing Flame will enhance one’s studly gravitas. On a bright note, it’ll be nice for the ladies not to feel like the only pieces of meat for a change.

If you can’t control your thirst for man meat, then check out what lies below.

Enjoy squirting your fragrant load on the Flame fragrance website, which was totally designed by a moronic/hilarious thirteen-year-old boy:
http://www.firemeetsdesire.com/

Uggggh, this ad is as retarded as that frikkin plastic Burger King head. Put some clothes on, idiot:

While I was still discontentedly mulling Obama’s bizarre choice of Rick Warren as Grand Homo-hater Pulpit Master of Inauguration, the following thoughtful Op-Ed caught my eye:

You’re Likeable Enough, Gay People
(from Frank Rich, NYTimes, 12/27/2008)

This article could have also included:
- A reminder about some of the widespread Prop 8 myths, including the incorrect notion that black and Latino voters were the driving force behind Prop 8 in CA (they were NOT), explained here: FiveThirtyEight.com.
- How about some sociohistorical context to inform readers about racism in the gay community and homophobia in the black community? If you don’t already know, try Google.

Maybe Obama’s planning a bait and switch and will force Warren to get gay married at the podium that day? But that’s really the only thing that would make me laugh about the choice… right now.

Taco Bell, Think Outside the Bun(s)?

Taco Bell, what are you trying to do to us?! So many mixed messages - first you name yourself after the lady lover portal to heaven, then you create an ad like this:

Are you into tacos or burritos, you fast food pervs? Are you straight are you gay are you anti-straight are you anti-gay are you… thinking outside the bun… *gasp* are you against… anal… sex?!

It’s that time of year, fat ass.  And believe me, you’re not just imagining it. Your body is getting funkeh from all of the holiday piggery. You’re not just feeling the fat in your thighs and stomach… you’re also feeling your organs turn to stank, bile-filled mush. You are deep fried, buttery, greasy, crunchy, heavily salted, and one step away from becoming a walking, shameful Yule log. BUCHE de Noel!

So often we make New Year’s resolutions to get fit, to slim down, to prepare to stuff our asses and our lard-swollen beavers into skimpy bikinis come the sun and the heat. We commit to a strict workout regime and travel to the gym, sniffing chlorine and sweat, covering our soft lady skin with bizarre synthetic “wicking” workout wear, avoiding the stares of the woman with floppy breasts and an unruly bush changing next to us, and willing the exercise equipment to work magic, making its little digital calorie counter numbers grow and grow as the fat cells shrink and shrink. We do this for a week or two and then realize that it’s boring and not nearly as arousing as, say, a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough.  
 
This year, Damaged Fruit would like to help you stick with your New Year’s resolution to exercise. So you can count on DJ Flaming Labia to offer playlist suggestions for the spiciest workouts your easy bake oven has ever dreamed of. You won’t regret your healthy flushed cheeks or the extra air in your lungs for… a variety of different activities. If you’re anything like me, you’ll love knowing that while everyone else hits the gym with a US Weekly or People Magazine (yawn yawn they make mah cooch sleepayhrrrrr!), you are busy lipping songs about vajayjays. So git up offa that thing. Do it for your pussy!
 
Here’s a suggested playlist for approximately 60 minutes of music that’ll make your pussy sing. As it turns out, homebase has rightfully served as muse to some of our time’s greatest artists. Celebrate the fluttering love wallet during your next cardio workout. Every calorie burned is like a gift to your boogina.  
 
If you don’t like it, you can suck my clit.  
 
Pussy pride!!

1. Khia has got your pussies covered with a number of songs that would have fit this list. For your warm-up, try “Fucking Me Tonight.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgM7laEJBN4
2. Edward Cullen is not the only superhero who makes these labia swell. Check out “Kryptonite Pussy” by Yo! Majesty.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsFvDUk_BuI
3. Required viewing for all pussy lovers. God-Des and She can help you learn to “Lick It.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoAjz0r4ZFY
4. Love your pussy, love it cuz it’s a superstah! Amanda Lepore’s “My Pussy.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHui5WN-uaY
5. The Eleventh Commandment: Every girl must have a toy! Missy Elliott’s “Toyz.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMqNctZDex4
6. Mmmm, she’s so sweet. Jacki-O’s “Pussy.”
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3usXbTe_QY
7. Pussy oh-so-hot, vous vous lay my twat, s’il vous plait?! “French Bitch” from Pussy Tourette.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KCddv6kF-4
8. For the mid-workout trippy pussy. “You Wanna Suck My Pussy” by Lords of Acid.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFgHLEi6mME
9. A treatise on three basic human needs: “Pussy Money Weed” by Lil Wayne.
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPKjD_9Osgo
10. Hey, he supports Obama, too! Ludacris’ “Pussy Poppin.”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M6xjTX0hNs
11. Lil Kim knows what’s up - “Gimme That.”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSGUQEMJVHI
12. You’re not tired! “Pump That Pussy” from DJ Funk.
    http://www.imeem.com/people/GzCz94/music/pknLgMr3/dj_funk_pump_that_pussy/
13. Oh, silly silly. “Pussy” by Brazilian Girls.
    http://www.imeem.com/electronicvideos/video/OPszYgjv/brazilian_girls_pussy_dance_video/
14. You smell that? G-Unit does… “I Smell Pussy.”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx3M2u02o4E
15. Finish your cool down with some hotness. “Moist Vagina” by Nirvana.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Pn4TQ2YIQg

Work it, lovers!
DJ Flaming Labia