Damaged Fruit presents…… Things That Are Gay

Things That Are Gay will be a regular feature on Damaged Fruit, in which things that are secretly gay will be revealed by our savvy editors to you, the devoted reader. Expect loads of surprises and more than a few ruined marriages. But without further delay, the inaugural….

Things That Are Gay:
ALIENS

….and by aliens, I don’t mean your mail-order Russian cabana boy. No, I’m talking about extraterrestrials. Here is a partial list of convincing reasons:

• Aliens were the original Jet Set, spotted over Fire Island and Ibiza on the same night. These guys really know how to find all the hot spots!
• They have no body fat–which makes them not only gay, but twinks.
• They don’t have body odor.
• They’re sneaky.
• Their space ships are shaped like giant condoms.
• UFOs are decked out with flashing, colorful lights and opalescent tiles–basically like giant disco balls.
• They have dramatic flair–like when UFOs appear in coordinated lines like the Rockettes.
• Their heads are shaped like big penises.
• They’re in the closet about whether they even exist. Talk about the DL!
• They wear flight suits made from super-strong silver lamé.
• They are on a “star search.” Get it? Get it?

Butt the most damning evidence of all:

• Aliens cannot get enough of our anuses. They fly halfway across the universe to get their hands on some human rosebud!

That’s right–you heard it here first:

ALIENS ARE GAY!!!!!!