Please do not pinch the fruit
It’s that time of year, fat ass. And believe me, you’re not just imagining it. Your body is getting funkeh from all of the holiday piggery. You’re not just feeling the fat in your thighs and stomach… you’re also feeling your organs turn to stank, bile-filled mush. You are deep fried, buttery, greasy, crunchy, heavily salted, and one step away from becoming a walking, shameful Yule log. BUCHE de Noel!
So often we make New Year’s resolutions to get fit, to slim down, to prepare to stuff our asses and our lard-swollen beavers into skimpy bikinis come the sun and the heat. We commit to a strict workout regime and travel to the gym, sniffing chlorine and sweat, covering our soft lady skin with bizarre synthetic “wicking” workout wear, avoiding the stares of the woman with floppy breasts and an unruly bush changing next to us, and willing the exercise equipment to work magic, making its little digital calorie counter numbers grow and grow as the fat cells shrink and shrink. We do this for a week or two and then realize that it’s boring and not nearly as arousing as, say, a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough.
This year, Damaged Fruit would like to help you stick with your New Year’s resolution to exercise. So you can count on DJ Flaming Labia to offer playlist suggestions for the spiciest workouts your easy bake oven has ever dreamed of. You won’t regret your healthy flushed cheeks or the extra air in your lungs for… a variety of different activities. If you’re anything like me, you’ll love knowing that while everyone else hits the gym with a US Weekly or People Magazine (yawn yawn they make mah cooch sleepayhrrrrr!), you are busy lipping songs about vajayjays. So git up offa that thing. Do it for your pussy!
Here’s a suggested playlist for approximately 60 minutes of music that’ll make your pussy sing. As it turns out, homebase has rightfully served as muse to some of our time’s greatest artists. Celebrate the fluttering love wallet during your next cardio workout. Every calorie burned is like a gift to your boogina.
If you don’t like it, you can suck my clit.
Pussy pride!!
Work it, lovers!
DJ Flaming Labia
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