The cacophony of Interweb, TV, and radio chatter leading up to Inauguration tomorrow is almost too much for my sensitive earsies. But if one thing stands out as sure to be deafeningly patriotic AND queer then it’s Barack and Michelle’s first dance as America’s First Heteros. The two lucky lovebirds will be treated to what is certain to be a spectacularly over-achieving serenade by none other than America’s most-beloved warbling drag queen Sasha Fierce.

Warning: first dance song may contain traces of nuts

That’s right, our very own woman-dressed-as-a-man-dressed-as-a-woman Dream Girl will be singin’ for the Obamas! The angels in heaven will screech in orgasmic bliss as the Inaugural Ball(s) walls reverberate with the sound. Tremolooooooooo! If I were a boy, I would go take a celebratory piss and spell out the words “House of Dereon” in the snow!

Apparently there’s even a little bit of the requisite dramarrrrr surrounding her appearance, ’cause the Inaugurators wanted to keep the song a secret and then precious Beybey herself let it slip that she will be singing Etta James’ “At Last” for the dance. OMG Oscar will be buzzin’ like a motherfuckin’ bumblebee after hearing that one.

Homophobes, you can have all the Rick Warren you want! Everyone loves Beyonce and she belongs to the QUEERS. So don’t hate! If you like it then you shoulda put a CROWN ON IT, bitches!